acceptance · letting go · relationships

When You Are Not Wanted


One of the hardest things I had to do was let go of someone I did not want to release.

I was not ready to have this person leave my life, but they no longer wanted me in theirs. I am not talking about a loss such as divorce or death.

Sometimes people just shut us out.

There might be an obvious reason for the disconnect: argument, betrayal, disrespect, etc. But there might also be a time when someone stops acknowledging us due to no reason at all. At least not one known to us.

The fact there is no defined cause for the break or clear moment to reflect on makes the estrangement that much harder to understand.

Our first instinct is to question our role. What did we say? What did we do? Did we let them down? Hurt them somehow? Where did we fail? What grievous error did we make? What unknown line did we cross?

Why would this person simply let us go without warning?

It is natural to believe we are to blame. Though this might indeed be the case, more often people do things and make decisions that have absolutely nothing to do with us. Maybe they are making big changes or following a new path. Perhaps they are caught in the trappings of daily life.

We may not be the intended target but simply collateral damage.

Once we determine we have not done anything wrong, we can experience a varying range of emotions. We might feel relief if the relationship was toxic or damaging. But if it was someone we care deeply about (a dear friend) or love (a family member), the hurt can run deep and wide.

As with any loss, overcoming the pain can take time. And for some, moving on becomes impossible. The constant wonder of what happened can stall any progress or enlightenment. And in the worst instances, it leaves the person feeling so rejected, they find it difficult to trust or become close to another.

If someone you value no longer cares to connect, there are different ways to approach it:

  1. Be friendly but uncommitted. Politely participate in interactions (no matter how big or small) whenever paths cross. There is no malice or resentment in this approach but little attempt is made to pursue a deeper relationship.
  2. Choose to take the high road. This option is particularly helpful in family or social situations where avoidance is not possible. Interactions with some people are inevitable, and it is unfair to subject others to any falling out. Be present and thoughtful.
  3. Seek to find an answer. This is best handled in a careful manner and environment where no one feels ambushed or attacked. The primary goal? Discover what caused the break. Perhaps it can be mended or maybe it is beyond repair, but at least it is known.
  4. Simply move on. Some people come into our lives for a specific purpose but are not meant to stay forever. Appreciate the time shared together. Look for the lesson. Learn from it. And use the knowledge to create better days and more meaningful connections.

Relationships should not be uncomfortable or forced. And while someone might make us feel unwanted, it may be the universe sending a gentle reminder: focus on those who fulfill our lives and bring us joy.

We may never truly understand the reason someone shuts us out, but perhaps we are not meant to. Sometimes life is simply about letting go of one thing so we can grab onto something else.


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~Inspired ME, Joyful BE

Photo by George Bonev @ Unsplash

change · goals · obstacles · renewal · second chances

What Has Been, What Might Be

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The start of another year usually carries thoughts of change and self-improvement.

How can we do better? Be better?

I used to think like that. In the wake of the holiday glow, I would create a detailed list of resolutions, areas in my life I believe needed help. And every January 1st it was the same: eat healthier, exercise harder, spend less, save more, finish overdue house projects, make time for myself, write daily, reach more readers, be a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, writer, friend, etc.

DO more. BE more.

I would do well – for a time, that is. But then, my magnificent plans would become lost in the demands of the everyday.

It was too much. Finally, I decided resolutions do not work for me. Goals, however, do. Setting concrete to dos keeps me motivated. And guess what? Since changing my approach, I have accomplished every goal set.

You can, too.

Rather than look at the new year as a need to do everything better, view it as an opportunity for reflection and renewal, a chance to hit the reset button. Stop making unattainable, lofty plans or rambling lists of what is wrong with you. Choose to focus on what is working in your life, find what is right and go from there.

Step One: REFLECT ON WHAT HAS BEEN

What brought joy last year? Where did you excel? Where did you succeed? What accomplishments made you proud?

What areas caused problems? What did not work? Where did you falter? What do you wish you would have done?

Once you realize the regrets, you know what to focus on in the new year (that is, if they are still meaningful). In addition to maintaining your health, family, and purpose, you understand where the priorities will be.

Step Two: PLAN FOR WHAT MIGHT BE

Your past regrets become your goals for the new year.

Define them. Use numbers and timeframes. [Rather than “write more,” I say “publish one book by a certain date.”] Establish clear goals.

Setting minimal projects and spacing out deadlines can maintain focus and momentum. If you accomplish more, great! But keeping it simple allows room for unexpected, unplanned things life throws our way. Finish lines and endgames also prevent self sabotage.

THE RESULT: You have a plan, and it is always there – easy to remember, easy to add into life. And it remains there, even on the busiest, craziest, most chaotic of days. It is with you, waiting for its time.

What inspires you? What brings you joy? What do you want to be proud of when the next new year comes?

This is an ideal chance to begin again. We have one year and when it ends, we can either say we wish we did or we did.


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~Inspired ME, Joyful BE


Photo by Shireah Ragnar on Unsplash

celebration · family · home

Merry And Bright

celebration · happiness · home · self

Joy To Your World

I hope you are wrapped in the warmth of a magical holiday season.

That your children are amazed and filled with wonder.
And your family is overcome with unbelievable joy.
That you find inspiration in little things so you can go on to do big things.
And you are surrounded by people and things you love.
That you recognize the blessings not only in these days but in the everyday.
And you are in this moment and each one hereafter.

Because although this is THE season of giving gifts, it is also about what we give to ourselves: In self-care. In thoughts. In spirit. In hearts. In time. In purpose.

Spread happiness on the outside, but do not neglect the inside. For while it might seem difficult to make the self a priority … when we give to ourselves we can give more to those around us.

Christmas becomes merrier.

The New Year seems happier.

Traditions shine brighter.

Family feels closer.

Memories linger longer.

May your world be filled with joy. May your family be touched by peace. May you have a very Merry Christmas.

~ INSPIRED ME, JOYFUL BE

acceptance · celebration · family · home · letting go

A Perfectly Imperfect Holiday

It is far too easy to fall into the trap. You know the one. Cozy and festive ideas taunt us from magazine articles, advertisements, television shows, store displays, social media, lifestyle blogs, movies, and more. And we believe we must do them – all of them – if we are to experience the perfect holiday.

I have been there. I tried to design the artsiest card, give the coolest present, bake the yummiest cookie, decorate the prettiest tree, serve the tastiest meal, create the warmest memories. Sometimes I succeeded. But many times I failed – not in celebrating the season, but in reaching my unattainable goal of perfection.

My pursuit of the perfect holiday did not leave me euphoric or in a perpetual state of joy. It left me feeling inadequate (I could never reach the ridiculous standards I set), frustrated (my constant efforts to keep up made me anxious and ever-reaching), exhausted (I never stopped moving and neglected to care for myself), and disconnected (my quest clouded my ability to be in the moment).

And when I reflect on those years where I tried so hard, I realize how much I missed. In my hurried and determined haze, I lost precious time with people and the chance to create cherished memories. There was so much more I could have done. More fun. More laughter. More hugs. More love. More conversations. More connection. More time. More everything.

I stopped the frantic search for what could never be found.

I let go of unrealistic expectations so I might hold onto what mattered.

I chose to celebrate perfect holidays in the most imperfect way. Here’s how:

1. STOP COMPARING, START ENJOYING: We are meant to be different and stand out so why do we try so hard to mimic what other people are doing? Why do we believe their ideas are better than our own? This is your holiday to enjoy, not someone else’s. There is no right or wrong way to celebrate – find what works for your family, schedule, finances, and beliefs. Appreciate the world you create rather than one manufactured by another.

2. LOSE GUILT, FIND MEMORIES: Some people like to go all out for the holiday while others prefer something more low-key and simple. You should not be ashamed or embarrassed if you do not celebrate to the extent of another person. Discover what makes your family appreciate the season whether that be filling every second with activities or spending quiet moments at home. The holidays will be more memorable if you do them your way.

3. RELEASE FANTASY, EMBRACE REALITY: Often the greatest moments and memories are created when we do not organize or plan them. There will be crooked ribbons and wrinkled gift wrap on packages, awkward family conversations over dinner, houses that never seem clean enough, and burnt out lights on the tree. Messes are inevitable. Expect them. Welcome them. Making room for the chaos will ease the stress when troubles arise.

We all know perfection is a myth and yet we still try to achieve it. Why? Because we want the magic.

What we fail to realize is the magic is already there. It does not come from having the finest of anything or being the greatest at everything. The magic comes from within – our homes, our hearts, ourselves.

The best we can do is often what others want and all we need.

This season, find your joy. Make memories. Make moments. Make merry.


Photo by freestocks.org on Unsplash

celebration · daily life · gratitude

Giving Thanks

Now is a perfect time to pause, reflect, and celebrate.

PAUSE to enjoy the season.
REFLECT on the blessings given.
CELEBRATE those who matter most.

Gratitude is not a one-time event nor should it be reserved for only one day. Find the goodness. Big or small, it is there – in the everyday.

Be awake. Be alive. Give thanks with a grateful heart.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!


HOLIDAY HOURS:  I am slowing down for the rest of the year so I can be present with my two favorite blessings – my husband and son. I will post and respond to correspondence, but please be patient with any delays. #beinthemoment #makememories  ~JL

letting go · renewal · self · simplicity

The Bright Side Of Going Dark

These past months have been difficult. Not in the crisis-horrible-things-happened kind of difficult. But more in the way of stressful.

Fall is always a busy time for us. My husband resumes heavy work travel, I resume full-time writing, and my son resumes a hectic school and sports schedule. I know I am not special. Everyone, especially parents, struggles with the daily demands of basic living. But the thing I know is this: I can manage extreme multitasking and chaotic days for a while (and thrive!), but there always comes a breaking point. One where I must say no more.

This is when I go dark.

When many people think of the dark, they become anxious and scared of the unknown, fearing what might lurk in the shadows. Others may see it as a depressing state or one where negativity lingers. It is different for everyone but for me, it means stepping back.

I view it as a way to reset.

1. DISCONNECT SO WE CAN RECONNECT
Texts, phone calls, emails, messaging, news feeds, social media, surfing online, television, movies, gaming. We become so caught up in the “keeping up” it can overwhelm and consume precious time that could be better spent elsewhere.

GO DARK: When staying current on news, in touch with family and friends, and up-to-date on my author and writer tasks takes a toll, I step out of the virtual world and into the real one. I go dark online by reducing social media logins, unsubscribing to unnecessary blogs and news feeds, and powering down devices. Decreasing an online presence and replacing it with in person interactions or conversations not only improves relationships, it nourishes the soul. It also allows for activities we love or time to care for ourselves. A few extra unplugged minutes every day can change everything.

2. SAY NO NOW SO WE CAN SAY YES LATER
We all feel guilt for not doing enough – for our family, friends, home, job, church, school, community, ourselves. And thanks to external pressures by society, we begin to believe something is wrong with us, that we are somehow failing when we aren’t doing all the “things.”

GO DARK: I try to weigh the value of each new task or activity and seek to prioritize. But when I become caught up in the doing, I pause and ask what really matters. I go dark socially by putting family needs first, being realistic about my ability as an introvert, and ignoring the fear of missing out. Simplifying schedules by keeping the important things leaves more room for real appreciation and a sense of peace. Being in the moment might seem like a luxury but it is definitely within reach. We can do it all – just not all at once. And if we cannot do it all, let something go so we might fully embrace something else.

3. LET GO SO WE CAN HOLD ON
Too often we place importance on external things – big and small – regardless of their true worth in our lives. It is easy to fall into the trap of making lists and intricate plans or acquiring items in an effort to reach some unrealistic fantasy of how things should be.

GO DARK: I cannot do everything well and when I try, something inevitably suffers. With the holidays and sports ramping up, I know I must release the image of perfection. I go dark personally by freeing myself from unattainable goals, eliminating unnecessary tasks and clutter, and focusing on what brings true joy. By ridding ourselves of the excess we create space for meaningful relationships, cherished memories, and peaceful moments. Strive for imperfection. Decide what goes and what stays. Realize letting go does not mean doing without. Yes, some things might be gone forever but what matters will remain.

It is important to know when to retreat into the dark. And when you do, go willingly and with purpose. Reclaim your time, rediscover who you are and what you want life to be. Do not be afraid to turn out the lights because when you turn them back on, life will shine brighter than ever before.


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~Inspired ME, Joyful BE


Photo by John Silliman on Unsplash