acceptance · confidence · daily life · letting go · simplicity

The Power Of NO

This week I said NO to 5 things that were not already on my schedule. Why?

1) I had too many other non-negotiable, everyday activities (i.e. have-to-dos, need-to-dos, family, home, work, appointments, errands, etc.).

2) I knew that doing the everyday things + these 5 extra things + whatever unexpectedly popped up would have required me to give more than I had to give.

I realize I cannot do it all. More importantly, I no longer try.

Saying NO is not easy for many people. I have little problem doing it. In fact, my first instinct when I am asked something is to politely turn it down. Perhaps this is a major quirk of being an Introvert and a Minimalist all rolled into one. I am severely protective of my time, particularly the rare, free time.

My knee-jerk reaction might be NO, but sometimes I honestly and truly have to say NO so I can:

1) maintain my sanity
2) focus on what matters

Release the guilt of putting your family, your needs, and yourself first.

When we say yes to everything, we never really give our full attention to anything which can = lost memories and disconnect.

When we say yes though our heart screams no, we give away pieces of ourselves which can = anxiety and frustration.

When we say yes to things we do not want to do, we give away irreplaceable pockets of time which can = anger and regret.

When we say yes because of pressure, we give away our control which can = resentment and powerlessness.

Sometimes we must say YES because it is simply the right thing to do. We have compassion for others. We make promises to keep. We have commitments to those we love. We make goals and carry dreams.

But, the next time your instinct questions whether to do something, stop and ask: Why are you thinking of doing it? What are you sacrificing to do it? What are the ramifications if you say no? What are the benefits if you say no?

Saying NO may seem like you are letting someone down or missing out, but it can also bring opportunity.

A chance to:
-enjoy the things you do rather than rush through them
-complete the things you have to do with purpose, detail, and pride
-free up time to take care of yourself
-have cherished, ‘do nothing,’ memory-making moments with the people who matter

The benefit of letting go of the non-essentials is that we make room. Room to pause, reflect, plan, think, rest, relax, appreciate, love. Rather than chasing whatever might be coming next, recognize what is right in front of you.

These are your moments, live them on your terms. Consider saying NO so you can say YES to something better.


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~Inspired ME, Joyful BE


Photo by Gemma Evans on Unsplash

change · discovery · learning · obstacles · self

Clear The Roadblocks To Learning About Yourself

I read – a lot. Sometimes too much.

I realize I do not know everything. Most days, I feel like I know nothing. This is why I read. It is also the reason I write.

In fact, the original pull toward becoming a writer was to figure things out. Writing not only keeps me sane in an increasingly crazy world, it helps me navigate the everyday. My NOVELS highlight contemporary women facing the complexities of self, family, love, and daily life. And the basis of this blog is to promote the positive, inspiring moments that can come from personal exploration.

I am not an expert – on anything – which is why I will not proclaim to know everything about any one particular topic.

I am simply a seeker, a searcher, a firm believer in the possibility of all things.

I desire a fuller understanding. I want to know why I am who I am, why others are who they are. I do not expect a final answer or conclusion, however, because I know this is not possible. In truth, part of the fun of the journey is the not knowing. I enjoy the finding of little clues along the way.

Life truly is a puzzle. One where we get only a few pieces to fit at any given time, revealing just part of the actual picture.

Some of my book and blog topics carry hidden lessons I have learned while others are me working to solve this beautiful mystery. I will continue to try one thing, then another, hoping to glimpse the whole picture, even if only for a brief moment.

I am proud to say I have been loved and rejected, succeeded and failed. I have wandered around lost too many times to count and at times, believed I had been found. And when I come upon something that has helped me, I want to share it, possibly ease the struggle for someone else.

But while I might hope to serve as a guide and offer support, I cannot fix what is broken for others. Sometimes I cannot even fix what is broken within myself.

There is no shame in learning about the self. But each of us must learn on our own, in whatever way we can, no matter how long it may take. Yet problems can arise when we …

ARE IMPATIENT WITH OTHERS: sometimes people refuse to change, do not realize they need to change, or are caught in the process of change.
ARE IMPATIENT WITH OURSELVES: we are continuous works-in-progress and any type of improvement or self-realization takes time.

RESENT OTHERS FOR MAKING A CHANGE: if you become jealous when someone else makes a go at a better life, look to understand why.
RESENT OUR NEED FOR CHANGE: change becomes easier when we accept and embrace the idea rather than fight it.

JUDGE OTHERS: hating on someone who has raised themselves up is often due to envy or failure to understand their true situation.
FEEL WE ARE JUDGED: the path to well-being is a very personal thing. Seek people who share your enthusiasm and lift you up rather than tear you down.

MAKE FUN: someone choosing to better understand themselves and improve their outlook is not to be ridiculed or minimized.
NO LONGER HAVE FUN: fixing whatever is broken can be a serious undertaking, but it should not be pursued at the expense of loving life.

SABOTAGE OTHERS: intentionally making an effort to undo the results for another person for your own benefit is never okay.
SABOTAGE OURSELVES: stop and assess whether it is your excuses or the process keeping you from making it to the next step.

FAIL TO ACKNOWLEDGE REALITY: nothing can ever change if we fail to look within and accept we are not always right, not perfect, and not in control.
SUCCEED AT THE EXPENSE OF OTHERS: improving your situation should never be accomplished by exploiting or hurting another.

PUSH OTHERS AWAY: we should never become so caught up in bettering ourselves that we forget to love and appreciate those who matter.
PUSH OURSELVES: everyone has limits. Recognize them, seek to compromise, and find a healthy balance.

Open minds can lead to open hearts – within us and toward others. And when we use what we learn to not only better our lives but the lives of people around us, we begin to change the world. Because in the end, we are all in this together, navigating the bumps and bruises as we go.

Seek to learn. Seek to change. Seek to help. Continue to seek even if you never find what you are looking for …


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~Inspired ME, Joyful BE


Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash

goals · letting go · self

Simplify The Task Of Living

We hear it all of the time: Life is a journey, not a destination.

Sometimes we have a detailed map to mark the way but more often there is no set course. Throughout our journey, we will have many different paths from which to choose. No perfect route exists for everyone nor is there an easy shortcut to get where we hope to be.

Expect roadblocks or unwelcome surprises around every corner. Assume the road will be littered with unwanted detours and wrong turns. Learn to adjust the direction and adapt as you go.

Blaze your own trail.

And when the travel leaves you weary, stop and rest. Feeling stuck and unable to move is an ideal time to pause and reflect.

WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM?

What has been is a vital part of who we are in the present moment. There is the good (childhood memories, milestones achieved), the bad (disappointments, failures), and the ugly (extreme heartache, loss). We cannot (and should not) discount what has happened to us before today, because it is necessary for creating our current circumstances.

Dwelling in a painful past, however, can foster discontent and self-doubt. And such negativity often leads to disruptive behavior as an attempt to escape or cope. Substance abuse, food addiction, self-harm, dysfunctional relationships, excessive spending, depression, or anger may mask a deeper problem.

If we continue to pick at a wound, it will never heal. And what does not heal, does not change. A lack of learning from what hurt us along with the inability to let go means we cannot truly enjoy the life we deserve. It taints everything, even the happy moments.

It is important to address the discomfort head on – whether on your own or with the support of others (family, friend, professional). By acknowledging the hold the past has on your present, you can begin to overcome whatever has hurt you and live the life you always imagined.

WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING TO?

What might be is an equally vital part of who we are in the present moment. The future shapes our current actions. It influences the people we allow into our lives. Knowing where want to go and who we wish to be defines our choices and decisions, directly and indirectly.

Our personal hopes, dreams, and goals are worthy of our thoughts, but they are also deserving of our time. There is nothing wrong with seeking a different or better life, and we do not owe explanations to anyone other than ourselves. It is ours to live and as long as we do not hurt another, we have every right to pursue it.

The key is to find a balance, a way to manage our wants and desires with the people and things we value. Do not sacrifice the present or precious time with those who matter most for the sole sake of succeeding or reaching some idealized end.

When you look back, look back with pride. Pride that your dedication, hard work, and determination paid off. And while you bask in the glory of your accomplishment, see the people around you who helped make it possible. Those who supported, cheered, listened, advised, lifted you up. For that will be the true measure of your success.

WHY ARE YOU RUNNING AT ALL?

If the challenges of the past, future, and present day are overwhelming, look for ways to lessen the load. Find your voice. Release the guilt. Follow your heart. Practice self-care. Prioritize your time. Say no to non-essential activities. Organize your space. Seek solutions to your problems. Fix what might be broken, once and for all.

Simplify the task of living.

Work towards understanding how the past has affected you and accepting it will always be part of your today. Just be careful of letting it have too much influence over your tomorrow. Life moves fast enough. Slow down and be in the right now. And if there are times you feel the need to run, run toward something worth celebrating rather than from something you cannot change.

Do not fear the journey, live it.


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~Inspired ME, Joyful BE


Photo by Lucas Favre on Unsplash

family · home · obstacles · parenting

A Simple Life, Complicated

I am a self-proclaimed minimalist which means I like to simplify my surroundings, tasks, and schedule. But I am also a realist. I understand that sometimes in life, we need to complicate things.

Case in point: Our son has been asking for a dog for a solid year. From last year’s birthday to Christmas to this year’s birthday. It was obvious he was not giving up, and it would likely be the first item on his upcoming holiday wish list.

My husband and I did not want a dog as much as our son did. In fact, we have had a dog in the past and know what is involved. However, after much parental discussion, we came to this conclusion: We would get a dog.

After searching and inquiring and finalizing all of the necessary steps, we adopted this sweet little guy.

He is old enough to understand the rules yet young enough to keep up with our family. He is a power snuggler and master at stealing hearts. He came from a rescue organization, was in foster care, and needed a home.

He needed us. But perhaps more importantly, our son needed him. He needed things only a dog can give.

Responsibility – Our son is at that magical age (13) where he should be held accountable for more than good grades, sports practices, and lawn mowing. Thus, he has already been designated Head Dog-walker.

Companionship – As an only child, our son has friends at school, in sports, and around the neighborhood. And while he is excellent at being in his own head and enjoying alone time, he deserves a reliable buddy.

Understanding – Our son has already bonded with the dog which will hopefully put him on the path toward unconditional love, patience, and compassion for those who do not always treat him right.

I admit I will struggle with the extra time, effort, and general stuff that comes with dog ownership. But as a parent, we often have to bypass our wants so our children might get what they need.

I will try.

Try to treasure the moments when my son is sad, and the dog makes him smile. Try to cherish the times my son feels alone, and the dog provides company. Try to appreciate the moments when my son seems unsure, and the dog gives him confidence. Try to value the times my son requires comfort, and the dog provides that and so much more.

And hopefully one day far in the future, I will look back and remember how much I tried. Tried to do my best to help my son along. Tried to be patient. Tried to shine as a role model. Tried to teach my son the challenging parts of life can bring the most joy. Tried to show he is strong enough to navigate this difficult world.

I will never stop trying. And because of this, I choose to complicate my simple life with a small dog who will change our everything in a big way.

 


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~Inspired ME, Joyful BE


Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

change · discovery · learning · self

Master The Game Of Hide And Seek

Life is a lot like the game of Hide-And-Seek.

THE HIDING
Everyone has moments when they need to be alone, away from anyone and anything. For some people, the solitude and quiet is renewing and welcome. For others, the fear of being alone is so debilitating it overshadows any good that might come from it.

The Ups: It is important to understand that hiding within our own thoughts and spaces is a necessary part of living. Think about it. We all have secrets. We all do things privately we would never do in public. Incredible growth can come from simply being within ourselves and without outside demands or judgment. Diving deep into our heads and spending quality time there can provide clarity, leaving us stronger, more focused, and ready for new challenges.

The Downs: When we prefer to stay hidden, however, there might be a problem. If we constantly shy away from people and places to the point where it makes us uncomfortable, we should look to understand why. There are many possible factors (personality, psychological, social, etc.) that influence our ability to bounce back. And while the reasons may seem impossible to overcome, there are countless resources to help us manage the struggle and realize we are not alone.

The In-Between: Work to create meaningful personal moments and when you do find those pockets of time, place all energies on fixing whatever is broken and clearing away the negative. Nurture you so you can nurture others. And when you are done, be sure to venture back out and share the good with the rest of the world.

THE SEEKING
It is not only human nature to seek solutions to our problems, it is imperative to personal growth. Yes, we may fear the realities of what we might find, but we can never move past the troubles or hardships unless we open our minds and explore the unknown.

The Ups: It can be difficult to admit we might be the one who needs to change, that we are not doing life the best way. The harsh truth? We are not always right. We make mistakes and wrong decisions, hurt others and fail. And when we do, we must own it. Acknowledging our role leads to improved situations and relationships, but more importantly, it leads to self-discovery. Learning more about who we are is an amazing thing. Accepting who we are is even better.

The Downs: If we become so caught up in solving our own problems we might miss out on what is happening around us. We miss out on experiences. We miss out on people. We miss out on joy. We miss out on love. Life is not meant to be easy. Nor is it meant to be figured out all of the time. Sometimes we just have to stop searching, let the questions go unanswered. Finding who we are can be a lifelong process and one without a true end.

The In-Between: We are always changing, ever evolving. The person we are today will not be the same person we are tomorrow. So keep looking, follow the clues, and fix what you can. But as you do, stay steady in the idea we are a mystery that will likely never be solved.

Too often we find fault or blame others for whatever is wrong in our lives when what might be required is time alone, introspective thought, and meaningful change. Hiding may seem deceitful – as if we are avoiding something by staying in the shadows – but when we use that time to better understand ourselves, it can bring us into the light. And if we go to the next level by combining what we learn with the search for improvement, life becomes more fulfilling, more purposeful, more inspired, more everything.


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~Inspired ME, Joyful BE


Photo by Cole Hutson on Unsplash

goals · letting go · obstacles

Giving In vs. Giving It Your All

With two major projects hanging over my head, I am in that all-important stage where I ask: IS IT WORTH IT?

There are countless moments in life when we are put to the test, pushed beyond our limits, and simply overwhelmed. Some of these moments are unavoidable and not meant to be easy. Others can be difficult but are placed in our path for enrichment and purpose. Regardless of the source, these moments challenge and propel us to another level. They show us who we are.

But what about those times when we are not obligated to do something? What about the things we can quit without anyone knowing or without repercussions? ARE THEY WORTH IT?

The answer can be a tricky one. Yes, there are things we waste time and energy on. But on the flip side, there are things we surrender too easily.

Deciding when to give in or give it my all is not something I like to do. Personally, I am not a quitter. I love the idea of crossing something off my list. Accomplishment and productivity provide wonderful warm fuzzies, and I try to get the sensation whenever I can.

However, with these current projects, I am taxed more than I like. I have limits and often those limits show their ugly head in the way of impatience, frustration, procrastination, and indifference. I could let these two tasks go and no one else would ever know or care. Yet, just when I am ready to release them, something pulls me back. Fresh ideas, a new approach, renewed purpose – they all motivate me to stay with them.

So … how do we know when to GIVE IN or GIVE IT OUR ALL? Ask:

WHY are you doing it?
WHAT is the end goal?
WHO are you doing it for?
HOW does it make you feel?
ARE the sacrifices worth the reward?
WHAT does your gut tell you?

Depending on the answers, it may be time to …

  • REST. Every major undertaking has roadblocks. Be careful of using them as an excuse to quit. The desire to step away could simply mean you are overworked. Take a break and see how it feels. You may experience freedom and relief, but there also might be renewed focus, a sense of determination, or a new idea of how to overcome an obstacle.
  • PAUSE. Making a hasty decision to completely drop something can backfire. Redoing everything and getting back into the task may prove difficult, and the time and money involved can never be recovered. Seek a thoughtful balance in your consideration, but be wary of over-thinking as it can lead to indecision and inaction.
  • LET GO. Letting go is not the same as giving up. Too often we hold onto things we should have released and carry the excess weight, baggage, pressure, and stress until it overwhelms. Saying “no more” when something does not fit into your life is a sign of emotional strength. If your heart is not in it, let go.

Still unsure of what to do? Try these tricks:

1) List the Pros and Cons. Seeing the positives and negatives on paper puts things into visual perspective and provides a better view of the whole picture.
2) Live with the Idea. Before making a decision, pretend you have already made it. It is an easy way to determine if a choice is the correct one without actually committing.

If you find your answers lead in the direction of letting go, remember this: giving in does not equal giving up! It simply means you have chosen to follow a different path, one better suited to your current situation and life. But if you discover you really want something and are willing to manage the bumps and bruises along the way, then go for it with everything you’ve got. Give it your all.


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~Inspired ME, Joyful BE


Photo credit: Photo by Kristopher Roller on Unsplash

gratitude · health · renewal · self

What Is Waiting For You?

Last week was one of those weeks. The kind where everything is more difficult than usual and nothing seems to go right. I won’t expand on the gory details, but I will say this: the new-school-year honeymoon is over, my son is a soon-to-be teenager, my husband is travelling extensively (again), unexpected house problems keep popping up, and oh well … life.

I felt like all I did was put out fires. Every back-to-school fall is just different enough – just challenging enough – to change the rules for our little family. I generally do not like surprises. And last week surprised me with its continuous onslaught of frustration. Oh, did I mention I also don’t like being frustrated? Of course, I am a realist – I do not expect things to go smoothly every moment of every day. But it would have been nice to have one day pass with ease.

Yet even in the midst of catastrophic thinking, my mind kept returning to one glorious thought: I have two blog posts and a novel to draft. My writing is waiting for me.

In truth, part of my overwhelming sense of frustration comes from the simple desire to work. Back to school always means back to full-time writing for me. And not finding the necessary and appropriate times to do so leaves me flustered. You would think after almost eight years of doing this gig that I would have a very strict, set schedule, right? Well, I did. Once. But that did not last.

As with any family, our needs are in a constant state of change. Despite my effort to keep my son perpetually small and snuggable, he continues to grow and as such, the responsibilities grow. Also, my husband’s career is increasingly demanding, requiring frequent out-of-state travel. And of course, I have changed – in many ways. So though I crave structure and scheduled hours, I choose to be flexible when life builds up and overflows.

I could easily say “I can no longer do this, I’m done,” but I don’t. The reason? Writing is not only my job, it is my outlet. Aside from any financial benefit, it provides an escape, a purpose, a sense of accomplishment, the ability to connect, an opportunity to learn about myself and the world. Writing is not only entertaining but therapeutic. It challenges me, pushing me beyond my imaginary boundaries.

A whole lot of who I am is figured out when I write. Aside from the people I love, it is one of the things that truly matters – which is why I make time for it even when I do not have time.

I find comfort in knowing I have something waiting for me. 

WHAT IS WAITING FOR YOU?

Is there something that makes the outside world go away? If so, do not become so trapped by the duties of daily life that you neglect to do it. It does not matter what it is – reading, writing, art, gardening, cooking, baking, decorating, exercise, meditation, a sport, a craft, anything.

When you are caught up in the craziness of life, listen for what is calling to you. What do you wish you could be doing instead? What do you look forward to at the end of a long day? What truly matters?

Take a look at what you make time for. Identify your outlet. And when you do, plug into it.


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~Inspired ME, Joyful BE